Refelction (A Poem)

What I want isn't something you can give me

not tangible, only dangling slightly beyond myself

past the box that was made to place all of my thoughts in

leaving behind all the unreedemed credits that once filled my page

uncompleted, unassigned, indesposible, like me

there I once was, am not now, nor will ever be

only a soul

seeking the dream inside her mind

outside her

By Arcadia, posted on 12/23/2006 @ 12:46am

Almost Christmas/rantins of Arcadia

It's not quite yet christmas, but I know before I can sing all of my favorite tunes it will be here. Every year I sit and wonder if I will be able to see everyone, or even those people I didn't get to see last year. Their is a rumor that one side of my family is going to have a get together with my grandfather in his home. I"m not sure what is exactly going on with it. I would have liked to know though. I was able this year to get everyone a little something. Now I am starting to try to save up again, lol. I look at myself now, and think maybe I am just an over achiever. At times I keep thinking about how I am going to wrap up college, but I have an angst inside of me that wants me to keep attending til I get something out of it. I just e-mailed my advisor about what I would need to get my AA in Early Childhood thorough NMC. I heard a rumor through some friends that I only need one more class after the one in May to obtain it, and wanted to get the facts. I am really determined, or at least like to think that I am enough to at least obtain a bachlors degree even if it takes me years to do so. That is one class at a time Mrs. Mcurty!!!!!!!!! I hate to be mean, but I am gonna say it IN YOUR FACE. HA HA MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. The thing I love most about myself is that I never give up, and even if I do most of the time I dust myself off and get back to work even if it is a differnt path then before. I don't want to brag, but I don't think everyone can say that about themselfs. I do know that I have good qualities, but what I want and have always wanted was to be able to wow people who thought I was nothing in high school, even though people say it doesn't matter, it would sure feel good.
:)
ARCADIA
As my good friend Julia would say "Thank god for sarcasm!"

4 am somewhere over the rainbow

ok, so here I am still awake. Yeah I should get some sleep, but i finally managed to get to my account so I could type. I was trying to make my myspace so cool, but then it messed up on me, and now, grrr arg! I had this weekend off so that was nice. :) ok going to sleep now, snooze, catch some dreams, and maybe when I wake up something good will have happened.
arcadia on the verge of swimming.

Life Long Learning Commitments

It is almost time for another semester at NMC. I have my books, my packet for the week long coarse of Psyh 212, and have begun work on the first chapter. Yesterday when I started it felt so invigorating and exciting! I thought yeah, another semester of bliss, learning and trying to be come someone better. It is a good feeling overall. I like the fact that I am ambitious about school. I just realized tonight thought that when you get tired that ambition really fades. I started working on chapter one yesterday and was going to finish it up tonight which included doing a journal. I started it at seven p.m., but at nine p.m. was still working on it. This felt very self defeating, but I told myself that I want to be sure that I include all the important information, and miss nothing. I want to be pre-pared when I enter this class. Especially since it is a week long coarse with tests. I am glad that the projects we do will be due over the semester and not the one week. That is a nice plus. So I keep pushing on, pursing something better, asking god to help me finish my goal of being more then just a cashier at a clothing store. As many times as I have said your job doesn't make you who you are, I don't think I belive it. Yeah, you can be someone outside of your work, but the world definetly labels you by what job you perform in our society. I wonder how things will ever change, points of views of individuals, how we treat one another, their is a song that describes it great wish I could remember the name the year 2929 I think it is. Sad song, but it could happen.

I do try to look towards the future like the bright sun orbiting the earth, but it can be difficult to see it that way at times.

Right now I am still trying to believe their is a purpose for all this madness. That I do have a place in this world so I can make a difference no matter how I am looked upon in our society, or through my social status by others.

Subdefective Gilmore

Snow Has ARRIVED!

I thought maybe we were getting away from it this year. That we may have another Christmas without having to shovel, plow, or drive through the wet white, and sometimes even fluffy crap that falls. Ok, so maybe it is a little pretty, but it sure makes for a head ache when no one is planning on it. I could care a less if we had snow, really. When you are a kid it is so different. There are so many possibilities that the snow, and holidays bring. When you are a child, I find it was so much easier to relax and enjoy the holidays. Now it just seems like one big fuss over getting gifts, and trying to make time for the holiday activities. I miss so many things that have been replaced by my trying to make money for the future, like being home to bake cut-out cookies with my mom, going to my grandma's for my birthday, and christmas eve, or new years my cousin would be up from indiana where she once lived, those are the good memories that live on. The problem is as I am living the memories of now are not so nice. I mean they are ok, it's just they don't stick out in my mind as much as these ones do. I like to think that I will create new memories, but until I am able to have my own children and make memories with them, I am very doubtful this will happen. (The question is when can I do that while I am trying to get through school so I can actually support a family if and when I have one, lol.)
Every year I say I am going to try to make christmas feel like christmas, but you know what it just doesn't. It all seems so fake and pointless. The only thing I like about xmas at all is my family, seeing them that is. It's not that I don't believe in god, or the baby jesus that is all good. It's just all the other stuff surrounding it including having to work xmas eve. I know I could take it off, but I need that holiday pay for next May. It always comes down to survival. So I sigh and say maybe next year things will be differnt.
ARCADIA "It's not easy being green"-Kermit the Frog