Seven Things......

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:

1. Graduate from college, Ha ha

2. Get a good job

3. Have a decent home

4..Publish a book of my essays and poems

5.. Have at least one kid, peferably a girl.

6. Go to New York

7. Meet Madonna

Seven Things I can't do:

1. Sing on stage

2. Knit

3. Crowshay

4. Go to sleep early

5. Fly over the rainbow

6. Touch my nose with my tongue

7. Bring Joan of Arcadia back to CBS...

Seven Things That Attract Me To Blogging:

1. I can vent all I want, and no one can stop me, ha ha.

2. The fact that maybe someday someone will read my writing and think it's worth something.

3. It gives me a chance to express myself, need I say more.

4. It helps me from going insance, if I can't sleep.

5. I might meet some new interesting people.

6. I am now a published author, although still unpaid, and ignored.

7. I like the templates.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:

1. I"m not going back to college next semester!

2. Why Me?

3. Thank god for good friends

4. I just want a normal life, a house, a kid, a good job, that's like asking for a million dollars now a days!

5. I wish Bush could step in our blue collar shoes for a month!

6. I"m greatful I live in America, I just think that everyone deserves a college education!

7. Lord help me!!!

Seven Books That I Love:

1. The sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares

2. Where the Heart Is by Bille Letts

3. Anywhere but Here by Mona Simpson

4. Stoner and Spaz by Ron Koertge

5. Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes

6. The Green Mile by Stephan King

7. Getting Even by Mavis Jukes, one of the best books I've ever read in my life!!! It's a adolescent book and I still love it!!! Look for it online under kids books!

Seven Movies I Watch Again and Again:

1. Annie

2. Coyote Ugly

3. Legally Blonde

4. Now and Then

5. Save the Last Dance

6. Hope, done by TNT network

7. Fox fire, and The sisterhood of the traveling pants

I guess you can tell by now that I'm somewhat of a feminist!!!! Girls making it through this big bad world. Well I guess it's something I always wanted to achieve.

Arcadia

Things are only getting more difficult.....

Tonight there is just to much going on in my head. I wanted to be able to fall into a deep sleep, early. 1 am is actually early for me, but instead I lay awake in bed thinking to myself of all the things I need to get done. How I am now the black sheep of the family instead of my father. I am the one everyone looks down at. They look at me to fail, and if I don't pass their tests, or do what I am told, then I am just like my father. I also feel like I am being pushed into staying in the classroom. The classroom is my prison, and I must work full time also if I want a better job. Fuck having a normal life, blue color, you have to achieve, make a better life, show us what you got, you can't lose out on what you could have had so you can relax, buck up you idiot. These our the things I feel are being screamed at to me by my brother, as well as other potential people in my life. Those people who worry that if I don't have a college edu that I will be lost, nothing. Maybe it's true, but I wish they could sit in my shoes and see how darn fustrating all this crap is, and everything that just piles on every year of my life!!!!!!!!!! No one wants to look, they just want to push me deeper into this madness, push, and pull! It's all about my potential, never about the what if's, or what happens. I am tired, I am worn out, I am very disappointed in myself, but also my heart is hardened by the republicans in the world that scream out to me, we are going to keep making cuts, and let you slowing swirl down the drain, you middle, lower class freaks, and soon no one will be able to attend college unless you sacrifice yourself for your country!!! I mean yeah it's nice we have our military, I have nothing against anyone who wants to join, but that doesn't mean they are the only ones who deserve a good edu. It should be affordable for everyone, not just the ellite. It's becoming only for the ellite every year. One reason school pisses me off, besides the fact I've been going forever thanks to how friendly and nice everyone is about giving you help towards college. It's like trying to get a dentist to give you a discount.

Give me a break, our world here is not as bad as a third world country, but guys what? The rate we are going, someday it might be.

Absolutely Nothing......

Today is christmas, but it sure doesn't feel like it. I am home, for the evening. Tommorrow will be a whirwind that flys by with my family! Then it will be back to my apt, grrr arrg as Josh wheaten would say at the end of another Axsome Buffy the Vampire show. Life is so boring!!!!!!!!!!


I guess I should just be happy I"m not in school right now. LOL.

No more teachers no more books!!!!

I am done with college for a whole month. Yipeeee!!!!!!!!!! Although I should try to study Geometry, statistics, and probability even though I don't really want to.

Today is like dying without death.

Decisons are not always easy to make. You put yourself in a place in which you feel you can achive a goal, but the success is slim. You build up your hopes, expectations clearly creating an image in you cranium that you will be ok no matter what happens. It is accepting that you are not going to make it. As Tom Petty would say "I won't back down, and I stand my ground, Hey baby there ain't no easy wayout, hey out I stand my ground and I won't back down."
So my big decison to tell the world, to the people who never read my blogger. I have decided to take a break, to decided if teaching is what I really want. I have to continue this college edu of mine due to loans. I am going to take a semester of relaxation. I feel like it might mean that I could make another mistake, but I can't afford to purchase a different math book for next semester. It's not like oprah is ringining my door bell to review my progesss as a special ed has been.
Right now I am trying to tell myself that I have not failed myself or others. That the position I was in would have hurt my G.PA. I am trying not to worry about my loans. I am trying to free myself from all of this. Unfortunately my meditation will not begin til I can speak with god, Ha ha. yeah like if I was joan, but he'd probably just give me some mystical clue that I could not discover on my own. So I try to refer back to the scarf of mistakes that become beautiful while I continue to contemplate if I'm just here to be used, or if I am here to become someone. If I'm here to be used, I am meant as a stepping stool for other souls to get their footing, as I have seen as a pattern in my life. The problem is I have also seen that I can succeed, and others are there for me also, but am I suppose to be someone, someone special still sits on my mind "I ponder it form time to time" (Tom Petty)
The faith is in me, but my hope feels lost... Do I really matter? Ha, of coarse my family and friends would say yes, the only thing that matters is the lives I touch, I don't believe that I matter very much, at least not right now.

EVERYTHING IS TO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

When you think you've traveled far your road is just beginning. No matter what you do you are never done. The obstacles never go away sometimes no matter how hard you try those obstacles remain.... I beat my head agains the wall and yet all the particans fall, I look left, and I look right but there is no relief in sight. I turn the page to move on BAM it hits.... A tree diagram scores! knealing I cry.... No matter how I fight I can't get by. No sleep, no rest it Kicks me down...

I feel the others stare me down, laughing... hurting... it doesn't matter... nothing but the individual....

So our society says beat those who try, but can't make it til they die.

Everyone else moves on, yet I'm still trying to catch up singing the same worn out song!

ARcaDia