I can't take anymore disappointment....

To all the people that care about me,
Right now all I want to do is cry. NMC's wording of the associates in early childhood screwed me over. The associates they are referring to is the one I already have in the catalog they simple say you can achieve an associates degree along with the early childhood certificate so anyone in their right mind would think it would be in early childhood. I am working to make this statement more clear that all you can achieve is a associates in science and the arts so other students don't get hurt like I did. I have worked so hard to get somewhere and I have nothing to show for it. I wanted to be somebody, but the only person I will be somebody to is you guys. It hurts, all I do is try, and work and go to school, but it doesn't matter. I"m still at goodwil, still trying, and i don't care if life is a journey, I just want to be somewhere that I can make change. I can only hope those people I talk to at goodwill understand where I am coming from on life, Politics, and social matters. So I won't be graduating with some big degree probably ever. I fear that I won't be able to live my life, have children, a house, or do the things I have always wanted to do because I have spent so much time on my education, and I don't need anyone else to tell me that I am still young. I only have almost thirty years left til I am sixty and because of school I won't have my mortage if we get a house paid off til then. Yes i did this to myself, but I wanted something so badly, to prove that I could do something with my life. I know you all will say I did, but it's nothing special or important. I will never make a lot of money, or go on big trips, I know that's not what is suppose to be important, but it still sucks big time. This is a huge let down for me, this minimal small achievement I was suppose to have. I did not try to go down without a fight. I called NMC and talked to the person in charge, and it didn't do much good. I also contacted Linda anderson, but I don't think their is much she can do. I always wanted a big graduation party where I knew I would go somewhere and not just end up at goodwill, or a damn office. Yeah I could be a paraprofessional but where are the full time jobs here in michigan, and how will i get health insurance. I hate NMC, and I don't ever want to go back after I am done with this certificate. I just want to go see my sara in Virgina, and get out of T.C. for awhile. I can't take anymore disappointments, or disappointing people. I have just come to accept I'm gonna be just an average worker like everyone else, unlike the books and hero's I have seen and wish to be. I"m tired of fighting, I've been fighting since first grade when I entered special ed, when Mrs Hanson said she'll never make it past six grade math, when I tried to fight to go on to the next level of math, and miss Mcurty said no, you can't. I still don't think they are right, but someone definetly had it out for me in this life. I wonder what I did to piss the world off so much. I still love you guys, but I had to poor my heart out let someone no how I felt no matter how stupid I look, or sound. Maybe I'll just somehow try to be that writier I once wanted to be, a struggling artist, not sure how I'd do it, no one reads Poems anymore, and I'm not to good at stories as Mr. Kneff said, and I actually liked him, one of my favorite teachers from creative writng said I have a gift for poems, that I got from my mom. There's really not a lot any one of you can do. I just have to keep fighting the world, but NMC is out. I owe to much in student loans, and I want a life, so fuck college, it isn't everythiing, neither is money although it would have been nice. I wonder though if sometimes we are just made to tell ourselfs it's not greenier on the other side to to make us feel better. Don't worry I won't do anything harse at this point I can't really even do a shopping spree, thanks to having to pay off loans soon.
Love to you all- Subdefective Gilmore

" It's a long day, a train ride, and your my medicine"

Tonight I am just listening to music, trying to de-frag from the long day I had at work. I don't get enough time to just listen to music. I don't do the things I use to love to do as much, like sing, read, write, or even act in plays. I am always so busy trying to live my life as an adult. It comes with all those incredible responsibilites we never thought of when we were little. We only thought of being free from the strings that were held by our parents, or the surrounding obstacles that we felt would go away once we hit a certain age, boy was I wrong. The obstacles keep coming, I keep jumping, zig zagging, and dodging, or push straight through them. In general, I am good.
Arcadia

IT'S BEEN A WHILE.....

~I have applied for graduation for a Certificate in Early

Childhood, and a Associates in Early Childhood. I should

be walking in May if all goes well with my last class. Then

maybe I can finally take a break. Right now all I am thinking about is how I am going to get my homework done for this semester, and staying warm in northern Michigan. When I'm not doing this I am watching re-runs of "Joan of Arcadia", and seem to have a Daria like attitude lately. I am working towards some other goals as well such as being better saving money ect. It's working pretty well. All I know is that in 2007 I want to see changes that will affect my future in positive ways, I want to move forward, and will continue to strive to do so!

ARCADIA