Today is like dying without death.

Decisons are not always easy to make. You put yourself in a place in which you feel you can achive a goal, but the success is slim. You build up your hopes, expectations clearly creating an image in you cranium that you will be ok no matter what happens. It is accepting that you are not going to make it. As Tom Petty would say "I won't back down, and I stand my ground, Hey baby there ain't no easy wayout, hey out I stand my ground and I won't back down."
So my big decison to tell the world, to the people who never read my blogger. I have decided to take a break, to decided if teaching is what I really want. I have to continue this college edu of mine due to loans. I am going to take a semester of relaxation. I feel like it might mean that I could make another mistake, but I can't afford to purchase a different math book for next semester. It's not like oprah is ringining my door bell to review my progesss as a special ed has been.
Right now I am trying to tell myself that I have not failed myself or others. That the position I was in would have hurt my G.PA. I am trying not to worry about my loans. I am trying to free myself from all of this. Unfortunately my meditation will not begin til I can speak with god, Ha ha. yeah like if I was joan, but he'd probably just give me some mystical clue that I could not discover on my own. So I try to refer back to the scarf of mistakes that become beautiful while I continue to contemplate if I'm just here to be used, or if I am here to become someone. If I'm here to be used, I am meant as a stepping stool for other souls to get their footing, as I have seen as a pattern in my life. The problem is I have also seen that I can succeed, and others are there for me also, but am I suppose to be someone, someone special still sits on my mind "I ponder it form time to time" (Tom Petty)
The faith is in me, but my hope feels lost... Do I really matter? Ha, of coarse my family and friends would say yes, the only thing that matters is the lives I touch, I don't believe that I matter very much, at least not right now.