Silent Calm...(2)
I never thought it would feel so good to hear nothing. The silence welcomes me to clear my head of everything. It cleanses my worries that once floated above the surface of my mind. Slowly letting it drift into that inbetween state of sleep and non-sleep listening to the water hit the pavement. I breath in deeply smelling rain; something indescribable yet familar it puts me at ease. I have without a doubt reached a realm of peace.
( so Mckinley which one is better?/was to scard to erase first one, decided to keep that draft.)
posted by Angela K. Crandall @ 10:59 PM
1 Comments:
I like the second one best--it seems a little more free form and poetic. But I would keep two things from the first draft.
1) Eliminate the first "my" in your third sentence: "It cleanses worries..."
2) Use a comma instead of a semicolon in your second to last sentence: "I breathe in deeply, smelling rain, something indescribable..."
I'd also add a comma between non-sleep and listening, in your third to last sentence.
Otherwise, I'd say you do a great job of capturing a mood and letting your reader experience it! This piece made me feel at peace. :)
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