Done, but not just totally mush on the ground.

I am mush on the ground, I am smashed, walked on and beaten. I am lost, I cannot cry. There is to much that has happened. I know I just gave up on myself, or maybe it was circumstances. Everyone would say that these are just excuses, so I am smooshed. All I wanted was to be, exist in others eyes, have a purpose. I wanted to be HOPE, I needed to be. My faith is gone. I look around for her. I try to sit up straight, I try to tell myself academics aren't what matter. Academics don't make me who I am, it doesn't change me, but it does. Succeed, succeed, this is what we are pushed to do since kindergarten, achieve achieve, or you are no one, don't you want to be smart? I always thought I was until now. Maybe I was only meant to be a peon, waiting on others making them happy. Like I've said before, to bad god won't talk to me, to bad Joan of Arcadia is only a televison show. All I ever wanted was to be special, people keep telling me that I am. I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe anything expect the hurt that I feel.
No one except Meg is coming to my party, at least I don't have to go to my math class anymore. I'm still going to work On improving it even if I flunked. I must be mad,crazy and horried. I need a hug, but I always need a hug, GOD I AM A NEEDY BITCH.why do i feel like i deserve so much, who the hell am i anyway?
me, who loved Madonna, wanted to be a star, never was, never was brave, only scared and timd. So what if I went to college anyone can,it doesn't mean anything, so What if I keep trying it doesn't mean I am learning, so what if children love me.
I need my Karma to hit me back, or else my faith and hope will never re-apper. I tell myself your lucky, your not homeless, you have a job, you have a fiance, and you have family that love you, but that doesn't stop me from wanting more, I am so selfish, is it selfish to want a home, to want a family, to want a kittten, all of my own. If it is hell here I come.
God if you want me please take me, otherwise thanks, I get to be a peon, I get to be walked on. ONly good thing is my boss loves me and supports me it's those above her that will never understand, us little people. Each other is all we have, I"m done, I'm gone, for now, I know I will move on I will heal, but it will always be a wound unhealed. All I wanted was to be, to exits to be known.
What am I? This semester made me ? this. Why am I? Even if god exist. why..................